We hear about identity theft all the time in media and online. We hear of large retailers having their data stolen and millions of people’s personal information compromised and identities being stolen. But we also hear of people who may not have had their identity stolen but who are “searching” for themselves, trying to find out who they really are. Some go so far as to change their identity (see Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner) when they aren’t happy with who they are.
I will admit that I have dealt with an identity crisis myself. My parents were divorced when I was 4 and my biological father wasn’t very involved in my upbringing. Because of that, I didn’t have a “father figure” in my life to help me discover who I was. Thus I had to discover on my own, my identity. However one of the things that helped me work through this identity crisis is recognizing that I am not the only one who wonders, “Who am I?”.
The challenge with not knowing who you are can lead to two consequences.
- You let others define who you are. For a long time, I let others define who I was. They saw me as a skinny, shy nerd whose religious beliefs were very different from the rest of my peers. So that is the persona I embraced as I was growing up. Another part of my persona that I allowed to be placed on me was that of the oldest child. Because my parents were divorced when I was at a young age, I felt like I had to measure up so my mom wouldn’t reject me like my father did. I had to be the one stepping up and taking responsibility. But I realized that letting others define me would not allow me to grow. “When we find our identity, our sense of worth, from someone outside ourselves, we allow them to participate in the shaping of our identities. Once we conform to the standards of this audience, we let them determine how well we are doing in our assigned role and define how successful we are in this life.”[1] For you, it may not be your parents or your peers whom you allow to define you, but it could be other relatives or teachers. It could be your wife, your coworkers, or even your fellow church members. When you don’t know who you are, you let others define you.
- You are defined by “things.” I hate to admit it, but I have also been defined by “things.” I have defined myself with my degrees, my accomplishments, my intelligence, the sizes of the churches I pastored, or the people I knew or who knew me. But I realized that those things were not who I really was. Instead they were things I did to gain the acceptance of others and to see how I “measured” up. Sure, when I compared those “things” to the “things” of others, sometimes they seemed vastly superior, so as a result I seemed superior. But there were other times when I compared those “things” to others’ and felt that I was vastly inferior. Then I felt I had to work harder to achieve more. We as men tend to compare ourselves to other men to see if we measure up, and we let it define who we are.
The reality is that our identity as Christian men is not determined by the things we have or do. It is not defined by our parents, our teachers, our wives, or coworkers. Instead the One who defines who we are is the One who created us. For the next three weeks, we will be looking not at who we think we are but who our Heavenly Father says we are.
Conversation:
- As you reflect, whom have you allowed to define you?
- What have you allowed to define you?
I am indebted to Frank Bondarant for the ideas behind this month's topic.
Recommended Book
You are NOT who you think you are. In fact, according to bestselling author Craig Groeschel in Altar Ego, you need to take your idea of your own identity, lay it down on the altar, and sacrifice it. Give it to God. Offer it up.
Why? Because you are who GOD says you are. And until you’ve sacrificed your broken concept of your identity, you won’t become who you are meant to be.
When we place our false labels and self-deception on the altar of God’s truth, we discover who we really are as his sons and daughters. Instead of an outward-driven, approval-based ego, we learn to live with an “altar” ego, God’s vision of who we are becoming.
Discover how to trade in your broken ego and unleash your altar ego to become a living sacrifice. Once we know our true identity and are growing in our Christ-like character, then we can behave accordingly, with bold behavior, bold prayers, bold words, and bold obedience.
Altar Ego reveals who God says you are, and then calls you to live up to it.